The Luck of the Potluck

I don’t do potlucks.

I have learned, over the years, that all potlucks may not be created the same, but they all have the same components.  My top ten, for not participating, in, Potlucks.

 

10. The overall concern of personal hygiene

I don’t know who made, how it was made, and who’s had their grubby paws in it.  Nine times out of ten, people will bring some sort of mass produced finger food.  Chips, dip, etc.  The cheapest, easiest thing to grab.  If I don’t know everyone’s personal hygiene, I’m not touching anything that involves using my fingers.  You have that mystery of how it was prepared and who handled it before you, and what is that person like, and if you like that person, and if you think their house is clean.  Then you retrace back in your mind if the person who created the meal has a habit of washing their hands.  Which brings me to number 9.

9. Not knowing what it is, or what’s in it

People are under this notion, that if it’s authentic, you might like it.  Authentic is anything that you or the majority of the people did not grow up around.  For all you know, it could be made like the pig in Hawaii is cooked, underground with worms, and ants, etc.  Knowing who made the item, is half the battle.  After find out the owner of who made it, you feel obligated to try it, so you don’t hurt their feelings.  So, it’s just best to whisper “Who made this and what is it?” then announce it.  And, normally, someone will try to sneak in something distasteful or weird in the potluck, like a mass of chicken gizzards, or oddly enough, it smells and looks like cat food, it might be cat food.  Then again, it might be a salad. Which brings me to number 8.

8. Everyone loves a salad

The easiest thing to make, yet, somehow, it takes an overnight process to prepare it.  You hear the “oh, I whipped that up last night” which, either, it was easy to whip it up, or with long preparation process of it settling and being held carefully in a well air conditioned car, you better eat the darn thing.  Its a presumptive guilt trip that they made this, especially for you to try it.

What I love is when there is so many salads.  Fruit salad, macaroni salad, potato salad.  No two are alike.  Especially potato salad.  You know how many potato salads I’ve actually tried from work? I’ve tasted one too many German potato salad.  “This one is a German potato salad” and you come to find out, that thing can be a little bitter.  Then you have this “Its ‘THE’ German potato salad”  stating it’s the ONLY German potato salad, or ‘THE best’ German potato salad.  In all the places I’ve worked, this is the most aggressive salad to stand out.  At one time, I’ve seen three German potato salads competing for the table.  Which brings me to number 7.

7. Collaboration or lack there of

One too many German potato salad suggests that, this should have been better organized.  The love of bringing one item, and having to taste so many different ones, is just too excitable.  You don’t have to go out and search for lunch.  Just bring what you know and share the bounty.  Finding out that one German potato salad is more loved then the other, there’s a quick decision on what we can do to improve for next times potluck.

Someone is designated list manager and passes it around.  Or a mass email gets sent out, after realizing that list does not pass around easily, and Mary Sue is not making up another one, and writing on it a third time.  I hate these darn things. “So, what are YOU going to bring to the potluck?”  Usually, I just politely say, “I haven’t figured it out yet.”  I have learned if I say “Oh, I’m not bringing anything,” I get into a five minute discussion of why, and a few dirty looks that I’m not a team player.  In the past year, I’ve been too embarrassed to tell anyone that I have literally been, too broke, to bring anything.  I made the mistake of mentioning that one time, and I was assigned utensil duty.  I brought the utensils and the plates, but I still did not eat anything.  A small amount, and I claimed I wasn’t feeling good.  Sometimes, there isn’t anything there I really have the desire to touch.  Such as the ever looming German PotatoeSalads.  Which brings me to another conclusion of number six.

6. Too much collaboration

I remember one potluck in particular, where, people were asked to bring in something Italian. Personally, I’m not much of an Italian person.  When I was a kid, I ate enough spaghetti that I probably thought I was authentic Italian. Now, I can’t touch the stuff. 

It seemed like, no one else had any Italian ideas to bring in.  One person went to great lengths to make meatballs and the other made the pasta.  No one really touched it.  It was a sad little attempt to collaborate something everyone was afraid to speak up and ask to do another type of Potluck.  This adds so much restriction, and once again, sometimes you get too much of one thing.

Worst part about it was, that some people left a few things at home.  This brings me to number 5.

5. Left it at home

Its sitting on the counter and my cat or dog is possibly eating it as we speak.  This reason, I find, really helpful, because one, if a person states this, I know how the hygiene of the product is.  I know what’s possibly in it, dog or cat hair.

Or, they are really good liars.

Once, I had planned to bring something in for a someone’s birthday.  I know he liked salads and I made up one on the whim.  However, I was going to make it there, instead of bringing it over, unrefrigerated.  Once I made the salad, I knew it would need refrigeration.  I forgot the darn thing.  The Ingredients and everything sat on my counter, at home.  In a way, I’m glad I didn’t bring it because, well, brings up to number 4.

4. No one touches it

I feared no one would touch it, as well.  So, in a way, I was glad I left it home.  But, I had a chance to redeem myself by bringing it later on during the week, for another potluck opportunity, for a good friend of mine.  Well, I could see so many things going wrong with that. One, I had to go to the dentist that day, and two, I could see myself, either forgetting to bring it, forgetting an ingredient, and once again, no one touching it.  Brings me to number 3.

3. Picky Eater

I’m a picky eater. I’m not going to deny that.  Certain things, I’ll touch, other things, I won’t touch. You’ve  probably got that assumption by now from 10-4.  If I don’t know how it was made, who made it, the hygiene of the individual, and how their counter top is set up, I’m not touching it.  If I don’t know of all the ingredients, and given some sort of foreign name of what it is, I’m not going to touch it.  If I see people lingering away from it, I’m not going to touch it. If it’s finger food, not going to touch it. Especially if its a mass produced product, such as a bag of chips, I am not going to touch it.  If I don’t know the hygiene of everyone placing their hand next to the finger food or the mass produced finger food, not going to touch it.  You get my idea.

If the three German potato salads are the ONLY thing there, I’ll have all three.  Yet, if I have ANY doubt in my mind, on who created it, not going to touch it.  Which brings me to number 2.

2.  The Fear of the Potluck

How much I love explaining to people, why I don’t do, potlucks.  I don’t want to offend anyone.  Not knowing the hygiene and things like that, is a big thing for me.  Having to dodge that "What are you bringing" bullet is not fun.  I always let people know, I didn’t bring anything, I can’t join, yet, there is plenty of food to pick from.  Sometimes, I look on, and sometimes, if I feel daring enough, I’ll have some.  When everyone has encouraged me it’s safe, I might go ahead.  In a way, I want an introductory line up to who made it, whats in it, and why am I encouraged to try it.  Hesitantly, I’ll try it.  That involves the risk of possibly offending the person of who made it.  Another thing I don’t want to do.  And then there is ever pressing question of how long the substance has been out.  Which brings us to the number one reason, as to why I don’t do potlucks is…….

Drum roll please……..

1.  The Potluck “Safety bubble”

The myth that the food that is sitting out, is safe, because it’s in that magical bubble that nothing bad can penetrate it.  This nice little safety net that all germs can not effect this holy ground of the bounty.  Things happen to stand out for much longer, and food poisoning is just, unheard of.

Besides, there’s “luck” in the word “Potluck.”

The only ”luck” I’ve recieved from a “potluck” is the bounty of the usage of the pot.

 

So, I’ll pass on this one.  Thankyou.