I hate forwards.
I love opening a message, this, cute, fuzzy warm feeling you get inside because someone thought of you, and you scroll down, continue to read, and then, there it is, “Forward this to ten people, and you’ll have luck. Don’t forward this, and this cute puppy dog gets it.”
I have learned to notice the signs, of a forward. Scanning the subject bar, and seeing the letters ”Fwd” and reading some curiously triggered title. “How Johny got his groove back” or something like that. Immediately, I scroll down as soon as I open it, thinking, time, speed, and agility, will not cause me any bad luck, if it is indeed, a dreaded forward. I find that all too familiar open wide space, and then, I see it. I think, if I delete this quick enough, it won’t effect me, but too late, even in the little forward note, it’s telling me, do not delete, and forward to twenty people, and I shall have good luck. If I don’t forward and delete, my dog will run away, my significant other will cheat on me, and my best friend will turn on me. I wonder if I’ve came across the red headed step child of country music, or a fortune cookie that’s turned on crack and decided to procreate. Either way, I want to neuter the person who sent it to me.
Forwards are just another hallmark evil grandchild of chain-letters. Yeah, remember those? You get a letter that you painstakingly copy on a typewriter, with all the names and addresses before you. Then send it out to seven more friends. I think this is what gave birth to, seven degrees to separation.
I get the most joy by taunting a forward. “The person who sent this to you, was thinking of you and would want this back too.” Hmmm, if they don’t get it back, does that mean I’m not thinking of them? If I have real good luck by sending it to five people, what happens if I send it to twenty people? If I happen to delete it, I’ll have seven years bad luck? Well, my luck can’t get any worse then this, bring it on!
I love the forward where they were just thinking of you, and send beautiful pictures of scenery, with morals behind them. You think, wow, they really put some effort to this. Then you scroll down further and it has some guilt trip attached it to it. “Mary needs a new set of eyes so she can see this beautiful forward her godmother made for her. Every time you pass this forward along, St Judes Hospital will donate a dime to the cost of giving Mary, her beloved sight back.” You end up forwarding the darn thing, and the next day, twenty pieces of junk mail has flooded your inbox. Nice.
I have seen one forward, that was forwarded so much, the addresses of the previous forwards were so far indented it was past the center of the page. I had to use the horizontal scroll button to read the message. I thought, ever thought of making it authentic and erasing the previous fifty names of people you don’t know?
I’ve actually edited a forward. Sent it back to the person, and edited out the “forward this” part. Part of it, was out of spite, and another part of it, I really wanted them to get it back, but not have to do the same damn thing they put me through. ”Like, I need to think of ten people I can send this to, again? I don’t know that many more people.” Maybe you should stop sending forwards.
I have actually, made my own Forward, and passed it to all the forward loving people out there. I’ve gone so far, as to make it a forward about forwards, warning, if you don’t forward this to ten people and asking them to not forward anymore forwards, good luck will happen to you. No animals would be harmed, and you can keep your first born.
It’s pretty sad to say, I got that forward back. Twice.
