Excremental Affairs

We are so privileged, to have our company pay for, two fifteen minute breaks, during the day.  At this time, you may rise, dispose of any waste, and regain fuel, as you must endure another two to three more hours, then do it all over again.

A fifteen minute break, is basically, move as quickly as you can.  Get to the candy machine, pray nothing eats your dollar, or spits it out, and nothing gets stuck.  Having any one of the above happen, and ten minutes of your break is easily swallowed up.  You’re lucky if you can take one or two bites of your precious treat, before going back to your next task at hand.  Never mind the fact that your desk always seems farther away from the break room, and you feel like you have to move like the monopoly game piece.  Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, go directly to, the candy machine.

Never mind the fact that, while there, it’s also a communal gathering for the talkative, or the strange.  Its like waiting in line for the movies.  You know what you want, you know how much it is, and you just wish the other person in front would make up their mind as well.  The person in front of you, has the desire to turn around and talk to you, while the person behind you, is standing a little too close for comfort and you could have just sworn you felt him do a silent bowel movement.  In either way you look at it, it both stinks.

Our breaks and lunches are highly monitored at work, that if you are over five seconds, it counts against you.  I asked my boss the other day, what happens if I used up both my breaks, and I have to use the bathroom?  Hold it in.  I’m like, you’re serious?  I wanted to tell him, in that case, do you have money so I can buy some adult diapers and I’ll ring a bell and you can change me?  Like, I’m actually going to have a conversation with my excremental behaviors and tell them “Hey, look, I’m working right now, so, please, do your thing anywhere between 11:30 and 11:45 or between 4:00 to 4:15pm.  If you disturb me any other time during the day, I’m going to be really pissed off.”

We’re never going to use the bathroom, at the time our job wants us to.  Its funny how you have to rearrange your bowels for whatever job you work at.  And they wonder why they have disgruntled employees.  Using the bathroom is considered an unscheduled break.  Having my pants around my ankles around other people doing the same thing I’m doing, is not considered relaxing, if you want to call a break “relaxing.”  Sounds kinky, though.  Sitting behind a door that has a crack a half inch wide going vertically down the side, where you can see people and they can see you, is not what I call, relaxing.  I’d rather be at my desk, working, then have to deal with that half-naked anxiety. I get enough of that at the Dr.’s office when I’m getting my throat examined and they are asking me about my sex life.  That’s another story.